The Washington Post Express published an article today about “seat hogs” – persons that occupy more than 1 designated space by either sitting on the outside/aisle seat and/or placing their personal belongings on the seat next to them (see article here). I fail to see how this is news. Yes, unfortunately it happens all the time but it’s not like there was a fist fight that broke out and led to mass hysteria on the orange line or anything (although I think I might pay to see that).
What I found kind of interesting in this article is that apparently the subway authorities in New York have “banned selfishness with seats” by imposing a $50 fine on individuals for this “disorderly conduct.” I would love to know how this is policed and how effective it truly is. Do you think they have a cool little subway system jail like the Philadelphia Eagles had to lock up any unruly fans? They could lock up anyone who is noncompliant with paying their fines and/or just completely outrageously offensive and rude. How cool would that be? Can you imagine having to call your boss from the subway jail bright and early Monday morning?
“Umm hey boss [long pause] I’m not going to be able to make it in to that big meeting this morning with our client. Why? Oh, well I kind of refused to share my seat with a pregnant lady on the subway this morning and things got a little out of hand. I’ll be there as soon as I can but if you could, could you maybe have someone bring me some food? Maybe some coffee? I’m kind of hungry…oh you have to go? Ok, yeah, that’s fine. Bye then…”
As amusing as I would find that it seems very unlikely. Instead, Metro could just lock people in the stations if they misbehave. Although, look at how much trouble that got them in last time! That was an honest mistake though, right? All this talk of policing conduct got me to thinking. How could this be applied to our beloved DC metrorail system? My solution?
Grownup safety patrols. We shall call them “The Polite Police”
Yes, you heard right. I propose that WMATA develop a sort of Metro patrol program, kind of like the school safety patrols from my childhood. You know what I’m talking about, the kids that wear the little orange belts and help other kids cross the street or make sure that the buses are safe by monitoring bullying and other transgressions like standing or walking while the bus is in motion (yes, I once was a safety patrol myself).
It will be our own version of Neighborhood Watch in a way…shaming the selfish “seat hogs” into compliance with the rules of common courtesy! Forcing that little old lady to spit out her food and drink because Metro rules clearly state that there is to be NO eating or drinking while on Metro. Ensuring that entry and exit onto the trains is done in an orderly fashion (perhaps single file a la elementary school). Oh the power! We could form a ragtag team and get our own reality show, I can see it now. We need a secret handshake. Applications will be accepted for a secret handshake developer shortly. It has to be cool though mind you, and complicated enough to where the civvies won’t be able to crack the code.
I think this plan is fabulous but personally I could live without the orange belts. Being the giving person that I am, I am willing to volunteer my services to design a new one that would be created specifically for Metro Patrol. Maybe pink? Ohhh, hot pink! Ok, fine. We could do a less offense color so the boys don’t grouse (although nothing else screams intimidating more than a grown man in a hot pink belt, don’t you think?). WMATA needs to make me a consultant, clearly I could solve all their problems!
Honestly though I don’t see implementation of such a thing occurring anywhere in Metro’s near-term future despite the promise of increased revenue. With all the rude people that ride the metro the revenue garnered from these “rudeness citations” just might help close that enormous budget shortfall that has been so heavily publicized recently. Heck, even if people don’t get slapped with fines (or jailed) because they magically become considerate, I think people would be much less grouchy about having to pay up to $5 one-way to get to work. We all know that my main complaint about Metro is not necessarily the frequency of service or the cleanliness of the trains, but rather, it is how rude the passengers are. I don’t want your armpit in my face or to be smacked around by your bag on my way to work, why would I pay for that?! I’m already grumpy in the morning, just be nice and pay attention people!
I do have one simple request should Metro decide to utilize my brilliant suggestion. I want a cape. Oh yeah, and it needs to be trimmed with fur (fake fur, ok PETA?). I am quite aware of the potential safety issues that arise with the use of a cape (thank you Disney movies) - being eaten by the escalator, getting caught in the doors, being sucked into a plane propeller while flying to my shift, unruly peasants using it to strangle me upon reprimand, etc. I am willing to face those risks in order to embrace the awesomeness of said cape and fight rudeness alongside my fellow Polite Police members.
In parting let me leave my fellow metro riders with this piece of advice, if your grandmother would disapprove of your actions then you should probably think twice. And on the slight chance that she’s right along there with you, get a new grandma.
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